Either he had hired the cottage as a member of some other club or was using the place through the good offices of a contact, I reckoned.
A BMW i8 with Haryana number plates drove in. It disgorged a male Caucasian dressed in a Giorgio Armani suit. Its chauffeur parked a little away.
His facial features indicated a Slav extraction.
I was waiting for a contact to show up in the vicinity. The blighter had perhaps stood me up.
“Privjet,” the fixer greeted his visitor.
The stone-faced Russian with chiselled features simply nodded.
Sensing a story, I decided to butt in.
The ‘fixer’ is a spitting image of the late Prime Minister Indira Gandhi’s flunkey, Makhan Lal Fotedar.
The political lobbyist is known as MG which is an acronym of Maha Guru and/or Minimum Guarantee.
“The longer form of MG changes depending on the time, occasion, location and significance of each of my operations,” the man loves to tell those foolish enough to listen.
“One thing is always certain. MG does not stand for Mahatma Gandhi because I love my liquor and flaunt my cocktails,” is a constant line muttered occasionally during his con—corny-conversations.
“You insufferable journos have the habit of butting into each of my important meetings. However, Lazar Hrebeljanović Spiridon Umarov is a friend. Many call him SU – which actually stands for Soviet Union. There is a reason. His connections run the length and breadth of what had been a magnificent conglomerate of socialist republics. His relatives can be found in Kyrgyz, Kazakhstan, Chechnya, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Azerbaijan, and Siberia. But, I refer to him as Laser. He is as sharp as the optically amplified light beam that has virtually innumerable uses in modern science,” MG said as an opening gambit. I plonked my backside on one of the cane chairs.
Often, found citing own aphorisms terming and them as the Holy Minds’ Voices, he is also referred to with the sobriquet – HMV.
MG’s predictions are of the Nostradamus variety. They are puzzling and can be indicated as prophesies of any eventuality.
Thanks to his somewhat archaic language, he also is derisively called Long Playing Old Record [LPOR], cassette tape [CT] video-cassette-disc [VCD]. His actions have earned him other epithets. Some of them are political predicament predictor [PPP], fixer-of the deadly instigation [FDI], Doddering Lying Fixer [DLF] and first-class rascally abomination [FCRA].
“What is the Soviet Union doing in Delhi, at the beginning of spring? And more importantly, what are you doing here? I thought you would be in Chennai. After all, getting a totally unpopular government to succeed in winning the vote of confidence in Tamil Nadu’s legislative assembly amidst pandemonium couldn’t have happened sans your fixing. Reports said it was meant to cover up the alleged murder of Jayalalithaa,” I said.
“Chennai is full of foolish politicians and dunderhead media-hacks who pompously call themselves journalists. They are either on the take or cannot see beyond their blistered, blasted, blasphemous, bulbous, bilious, bloated, buffoonish snouts,” FCRA observed.
“You are talking about my profession and I must protest,” I wailed.
“You are a lump of clay, like that chap O Panneerselvam or OPS who ought to be referred to as an apposite of the song oops. He thinks that DMK’s hare-brained heir apparent and Leader of Opposition MK Stalin will help him become Chief Minister again through a no-confidence motion against Speaker Dhanapal,” PPP spat.
“Now you are talking rubbish. By possibly getting Dhanapal thrown out, Stalin can get OPS in and then expose the entire AIADMK as a dud, go for elections and then win hands down. Isn’t that obvious to you?” I thought I had scored the bull’s eye.
“OPS will never win anozer elixon. But, he can zpoil efreyzink for zat fat man pusillanimous,” the Russian interpolated.
“You mean E Palanisamy [EPS], the current CM,” I reacted.
“This is triple Greek and Double-Dutch to me. Can you explain, MG?”
LPOR cackled as he began.
“All OPS has to do to challenge EPS is to get all the MLAs with him to resign en masse and claim to go to the people. In the ensuing by-elections to 11 seats, perhaps, some of them may win, but none from the EPS faction will even manage to retain their deposit. That will trigger a lot of MLAs on EPS side to switch sides. Stalin will have to support OPS for the time being – in case he is short of a majority or perhaps abstain from voting. Whatever Stalin does, in the longer run, OPS would turn the tables on EPS. The earnings per share of whatever political capital EPS possesses will be in negative figures. That way, he could even retain the AIADMK identity! Instead of playing this simple trick and turning the tables on EPS and DMK, the political gigolo that OPS is, is playing parlour games in the assembly expecting the CM’s post to land on his table on a platter! That is why I call him a lump of clay,” FDI opined.
“I understand this, but, what did the Russian exactly mean?” I asked the question with a sound pregnant with confusion.
“Pusillanimous stands for a man who lacks courage and/or resoluteness. Sassy stands for a woman possessing an ungodly amount of cool. And Cola… that is what takes the cake. Cola stands for carbonated sweet beverages with phosphoric acid that cause various illnesses including diabetes, hypertension, and kidney stones. That is what Sasikala Natarajan actually has turned out to be for the AIADMK and the memory of Jayalalithaa! That, little boyo Lazy, is basic English!” CT guffawed.
The nickel dropped.
Meanwhile, the Russian took out a hip flask and handed it over to DLF.
“Iz chilled, Guru! I put zee ize inzide when I leafe zee hotel”. The Russian said it with a broad smile.
HMV poured into a whiskey glass. It had a light blue colour.
“This is my favourite pepper-vodka cocktail – brand-named Electric Light. It mainly comprises Svedka Blue Raspberry lightened with coconut water, a special blue sports drink that is yet to be discovered by the drug examiners who are invigilators in chess Olympiads, a dash of silver tequila, peach schnapps, blue Curacao and some sour mix. The ingredients – jointly augment thinking power.”
“So what is the Russian connection to what goes on in Tamil Nadu – as your Slav friend seems to know quite a bit about the south Indian state,” I asked.
“The answer will give you a shock. Many in India now know that Sonia Gandhi began life as an agent of the KGB and Pakistan’s ISI. Jayalalithaa hated Sonia and made no bones about it. Today, the person appearing for Sasikala Natarajan is senior Supreme Court advocate KTS Tulsi. Trusted by Sonia, he has defended Robert Vadra, Punjab terrorist DPS Bhullar and was nominated to the Rajya Sabha during the United Progressive Alliance rule. Obviously, Sonia wants to get even with Jayalalithaa posthumously. By getting the former TN CM convicted after death, Sonia has won this round against Jaya. Through the machinations of Sasikala, the AIADMK is almost destroyed. On her part, Sasikala used to be moll of none other than Karunanidhi. And very successfully, a systematic canard is being spread that Sasikala has Modi’s blessings. During the Jallikkattu agitation, pro LTTE slogans were shouted – obviously due to the machinations of the Rasputin called Natarajan who is in constant touch with the banned Tiger terrorists. The new friendship between Putin and China has led to FSB – the new avatar of KGB to poke its nose into the immediate southern neighbourhood of India through the Lankan port of Hambantota and a lot worse. And then there is another Congress mainstay – P Chidambaram who has repeatedly lied about the murder of Rajiv Gandhi. Dr Swamy tweeted last year that Sasikala was holding Jaya prisoner– the same way Mughal emperor Shah Jahan was – by Aurangzeb. Now, he has changed his tune completely and hails the same Sasikala. You see, Swamy also has a score to settle with Jayalalithaa. After all, she had systematically destroyed all chances the man had to develop a political base in Tamil Nadu. For the time being he is a Rajya Sabha member. Once something happens to the post or the ex-Harvard professor rubs Modi too badly on the wrong shoulder, he would be in a unique political position called limbo. Perhaps, realising the position he is in, suddenly, the man has attacked Karti Chidambaram’s stash abroad to divert attention from one basic fact that Swami, Apollo promoter Pratap Reddy, fake God-man Chandraswami and Karti’s wife Srinidhi Chidambaram are on the same page! Even Dr Swamy’s attack on the Maran Brothers is a feint as Apollo Hospitals are part of the Aircel-Maxis scandal. In a nutshell, boyo, every dirty finger is in this pie. And all the fingers have one symbolic hand source … Sonia Gandhi.”
I was fidgeting madly as the Minimum Guarantee made his long speech – all of which was and is controversial. However, I tried one last shot.
“So apart from the old hat tale about Sonia’s connections with the KGB dating back to 60’s, where is the Russian link now?”
It was the Russian’s turn to get in again.
“Does my name Umarov mean anyzink to you?”
“One of my distant relatife haz zee name Omarova … she iz zee wife of cricket game match fixer and washed up actor Vindu Dara Zingh. Zingh linked to N Zrinivasan zon-in-law Gurunath, who iz cloze to Maran Broz. Zingh and wife Omarova holiday rekularlee in Siberia! Zee case against Singh is kaput and jingalala for long time. Zee ban against Chennai Zuper Kink iz remofing zis year. Cricket auction action now goink on in Bangalore. Sassy Cola also is Bangalore prison. You understand full link out now!”
My head reeled from the info.
At that time, my contact showed up in the horizon. Muttering an excuse, primarily to escape the controversies, I beat a hasty retreat.