A representative of the Congress party walks into the room of the political private secretary [PPS] of Prime Minister Modi at South Block.
Sonia’s representative: Madam Sonia Gandhi has sent this box of sweets … which mercifully only contains sweets … to greet the Prime Minister. You can make me eat any bit from this – to test that it isn’t poisonous.
PPS: How can I be of service to you?
Congress representative: May I first take this opportunity to inform you of a minor decision made by our leader Shrimati Sonia Gandhi?
PPS: We do not need to know anything about any minor decision. If it ever turns out to be major, we would know from the newspapers.
Sonia’s representative: Instead of attempting to play Arnab Goswami, would you be so kind to allow me to complete a single sentence about something very simple, please?
PPS: Go ahead.
Sonia’s representative: Madam Gandhi needs to urgently attend to her health issues abroad. For the last few days, her blood pressure has gone up over the needless slanging match over the Agusta Westland affair.
PPS: It may be needless from her point of view. India that is Bharat needs less of her and more of the needling of the Congress. You wanted to say a single sentence. You have uttered two of them.
Sonia’s representative: Could you permit 5 more without interruptions, please?
PPS: If the sentences are straightforward and harmless requests, I will react with a small phrase or two.
Sonia’s representative: It is indeed so kind of you. Soniaji will be shortly going abroad with Rahulji, Vadraji, Priyankaji and their children in tow to attend to Soniaji’s worrying health issue. Do we have the clearance for that from the government?
PPS: You don’t need our clearance. All of them are free as air. Go ahead.
Sonia’s representative: The ruling Bharatiya Janata Party [BJP] led National Democratic Alliance [NDA] and the Congress-led United Progressive Alliance, allow me to humbly say, are facing a Mexican standoff in the Agusta Westland affair. The idea to buy choppers from Westland began in the NDA regime in the late 90’s to replace our ageing helicopter fleet. It fructified during UPA I & II. But, after it became a stink, we initiated the cancelling motions and the ruling BJP passed the papers. Some stool pigeons passed some info to the Italian firm and are making baseless allegations since then. But, on its part, the NDA too sat on the whole thing for 2 years. Now, after the Milan High Court verdict, once again baseless allegations are flying sans a shred of evidence linking the inking of the deal to the Nehru-Gandhi clan.
PPS: I read the papers. We know all that. Come to the point.
Sonia’s representative: Lalit Modi beat the rap when we were in power, Mallya did the same when you are in power. Neither of them will return to India. That balanced the books.
PPS: Balanced books? The only balance left is the booking of the remnants of the Nehru-Gandhi clan members for corruption. To coin a new term – to describe these situations – I would call them blooks.
Congress representative: Ha-ha-ha! This is the greatest joke I have heard in my entire lifetime. I agree with you completely, about this and admit this was a mistake.
PPS: Are you referring to your mentioning the balancing of books or the act of attempting to besmirch the name of the NDA with regard to Mallya’s escape? Before shooting yourself in the mouth remember that Mallya got most of his loans during the UPA regimes.
Congress representative: To be honest … I would carefully alter my earlier sentence and say all these were terrible mistakes.
PPS: Can you now come to the point please? You have soaped me so much that the metaphorical lather has started emerging from this building. How can I be of service to you?
Congress representative: Soniaji will be undergoing treatment abroad shortly. Her children, grandchildren and the son-in-law will be attending to her needs.
PPS: I have dealt with this already.
Congress representative: The Madame has requested that her departure should not be compared with those of Lalit and Mallya by some irresponsible sections within the BJP. I am authorised to state that Soniaji and her family will surely return to India. However, to keep the gutter press in India busy, we will give you the entire evidence to blow the careers of all those in the Congress who killed a huge number of Sikhs in 1984 sky high. When something blows on the face of the NDA, the honourable PM can use this to divert attention … especially because of the fast approaching Punjab assembly elections.
PPS: Dealing with Akali Dal, our electoral ally in the Punjab, is a decision that will be taken by the BJP leadership. Most of the chaps who pillaged and murdered in 1984 on a wholesale basis, having lost in the elections, have volunteered to go to prison anyway … and have offered much more than the silly thing proposed by you.
Congress representative: We will give you all the secret account numbers of all those within the Nationalist Congress Party, Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam, All India Anna DMK, Samajwadi Party, Bahujan Samaj Party, Rashtriya Janata Dal, Janata Dal United, Shiv Sena, Maharashtra Navnirman Sena and finally some of the communist party members. The bonus will be the other personal files and details of two unsporting sport administrators – N Srinivasan and Suresh Kalmadi and some of the top industrialists and bureaucrats.
PPS: Firstly, I do not believe whether these parties’ personalities have such accounts in foreign countries at all. But, even if they do, the whole thing is immaterial. All of them have become burnt out match sticks in political terms. This offer is even sillier than the earlier one.
Congress representative: This is as far as I can go, sir. But, Soniaji has enquired to find out what you would like … to you know …
PPS: The only meaningful thing would be the complete list of all the secret account holders from India – regardless of party affiliations. And on top of that list would be Soniaji. Mr Modi is not naïve to think that by merely getting the list, the money would come back to India. We would want the exact opposite to happen. The money and/or their owners should never come back to India after we expose the list you give us … that is … if you give the list at all.
Congress representative: I will have to check on this with Soniaji and will come back.
[The person leaves.]
Modi’s voice from the intercom: Do you have a perfect audio-visual recording of this conversation?
PPS Yes sir.
Modi: Release it in two or three days. What did the fool think he was doing?
PPS: But we may never get the list then, sir!
Modi: The list is already with Dr Swamy. If something could have been done, he would have done it long back. Throw the so-called Congress schmuck to the wolves. And before doing that, send a copy of this recording to not only Dr Swamy, but also all the political and other parties mentioned by the chap.
PPS: What good will that do sir?
Modi: All the parties are making a beeline towards us anyway – except the commies. Many of them will give us ‘unstinted’ and ‘unconditional’ support as part of National Democratic Alliance or from outside. When this audio visual presentation reaches them, there will be less disturbance in parliament and we can take care of governance matters.
The Congress representative stops his black SUV alongside the banks of Jamuna – a little later, extracts a mobile phone and dials 14 digits starting with 00.
Seeing himself connected, he starts speaking:
“As-Salaam-Aleikkum, Khan Saab! We can breathe easy. Soniaji and her entire family are free to travel abroad. I have left the sweet box in the room sir. The poisonous aroma will begin spreading in some 10 minutes. The poison will begin acting immediately. Depending on the intended victims’ body metabolism, in a few months, the residue will kill all those in that safe house where my meeting had just ended. I will remain unaffected because … I had taken the antidote the moment your men had handed me the box.”
A police officer hears this in his headset, rushes into the PPS’s room removes the box hurriedly even as his colleague explains the situation.
PPS: [to a officer of the NSG] Wherever that skunk is, arrest him!
Modi [from the intercom]: You do not have to.
The PPS and the RAW officer look at each other without comprehending the situation.
Meanwhile, the so-called Congress representative flings the mobile phone into the Jamuna, gets into his SUV and drives away.
Twenty seven minutes later, the PPS sees breaking news on television.
Announcer: A few minutes ago, a black SUV suddenly burst into flames as it was being driven through the trans-Jamuna area of Trilokpuri. It hit a divider and came to a grinding halt. Within a minute, the car and its solitary occupant were reduced to cinders.
Modi [to RAW officer within 7 RCR]: Send a message to the man from ISI to pull a better trick next time. And mark a copy to the flunkey in Soniaji’s entourage who – we think – is passing on ISI messages to her.
The PPS calls Modi.
PPS: We may never know the id of who came sir.
Modi: It isn’t important now. We knew who came to Pathankot as well through our NSA Ajit Doval. He tried to stop that mess to the best of his ability. But, the paid Paki agents within India’s national media tried to besmirch his name. They almost succeeded in doing so. We have all the evidence and even gave it to the blokes from Islamabad. We are back to square one. Pakistan will keep trying to do such things. As for who that dead John Doe was, we need not know who he was at all. For that matter, we do not even know who we are … or for that matter who Soniaji is! Did that journalist fellow from the south not question who she is through that article 5 or six years ago? I am sending you the link. And if Sonia leaves India, let us pray she plays the same trick as Mallya and Lalit and chooses to do what this duo does from London or wherever. None will pay her any attention. We can go about our governance in India. Without Sonia, the Congress will self-destruct. Already the headline wallahs have jettisoned Mallya and Lalit like tepid bricks. There will be peace of some sorts in Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha. We will not arrest Sonia and commit the same mistake as was done during the Janata regime which brought Indira Gandhi back in 1980.If she continues to live in India and brazens it out, she is welcome to do so. Did Rajiv Gandhi’s political career not get eclipsed after Bofors? At least, Rajiv was a born Indian and a son of this soil. The Bofors smoking gun had a certain Ottavio Quattrochchi behind the trigger, who never spent a minute inside a slammer. Now, we have quite a few Italians owning up and behind bars. On that count, we have done slightly better. If Sonia flees from India, it will be curtains for the Congress. If she remains in India, it will be curtains for the Nehru Gandhi clan as they will have to fear what could come out next. That will leave Rahul groping for words and repeating women empowerment ad nauseam like he did in that Arnab Goswami show. With that kind of lacklustre speeches, the political careers of Sonia Gandhi and her breed will be as insipid as rotten bread covered with rancid butter. In my opinion, people are getting tired of scandals and want governance. Let us see whether we can do just that.
Sonia and co must rejoice! They are now world ‘famous’!
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