By Lazy Fly
Parodying pretty actress Priyanka Chopra in the television commercial that flogged and hawked a scooter – I ask a question to no one in particular: Why should politicians have all the fun?
Rahul [making a sandwich of bread and half-boiled eggs]: Can’t we get some of our paid television channels to seriously raise the issue of Prime Minister Modi’s blue-eyed-blue-chip-firm owned by Adanis and a lot other guys and gals inimically disposed towards us found to have numbered accounts in Panama, mom?
Sonia [spits a glob of pasta on her plate due to its unpalatable taste, and clears her throat]: Don’t even think of it sonny. Someone will say you and I jointly operate numbered accounts in Switzerland citing horrible man Swamy. He will, in turn, claim to dig up files from 1991 onwards. The results could be catastrophic. For the time being the press isn’t giving the National Herald case being pursued by him an adequate amount of publicity. It is a Godsend! Let sleeping dogs continue to snore.
Robert Vadra [shovels bacon, eggs and toast into his mouth]: Incidentally, dogs do not snore while sleeping. We have denied it time and again. Tom Vadakkan or Sanjay Jha can come up with a clever turn of phrase on this and deny this story yet again.
Priyanka [takes a tiny sip of what seems like apple-juice – and grimaces the way one does after quaffing a gulp of hard liquor] Thanks to the lack of your education, Bob, you may not have heard of the English phrase ‘mealy mouthed’. Well, you just demonstrated its meaning in letter and in spirit. As it is we are having a tough time in Kerala with Chandy, his affairs and his rebellion. Hence, let us leave Vadakkan – who is still loyal to us – out of this. Sanjay Jha has begun slipping in a snide remark or two in his telly appearances off the party’s established line. Everyone has now forgotten your infamous question to that television reporter from an agency – ‘Are you serious?’ That was one of your so-called brilliant appearances before a camera.
Sonia [takes a sip of black coffee from a bone china cup]: Are you serious Priyanka, when you rub salt into Bob’s wounds? Let us change the topic. I am enjoying the predicament of that boy Fadnavis in Mumbai – making a mess of himself by queering cricket pitches.
Rahul: I do not actually understand what that brouhaha against Indian Premier League is all about. MPs/MLAs get hiked salaries in many states to keep pretences of making a living through parliamentary and/or assembly attendances from the centre and in many states. Most of them gorge in the parliament canteen, go on junkets at the expense of the exchequer to relieve the pressure of serving the people by seeking some free pleasure. The poor people of this country have only one arena-based entertainment with dancing girls and all – in the form of the televised T20 games. Like our people, BJP leaders’ money too is stuck in that game. More than 50% of India is suffering due to drought. The water denied to cricket grounds is comparable to a bottle of the soft-drink Sprite distributed amongst 10 thirsty people. Who is behind this brouhaha and why?
Vadra: Do you remember a man called Lalit Modi, brother-in-law? Everyone seems to be obsessed with Mallya but seem to be leaving Lalit alone. For all you know, Lalit might be toying with his version of T20 or T15 in UK – this summer as part of a parallel ICC with seed capital from the ill-gotten money of Mallya. To get that up and going – Lalit Modi & co are hitting the matches and drying their pitches in drought-hit states of Maharashtra and Karnataka. Modi – the Lalit that is – has been talking quite a bit about a parallel T20 Series or something even better through a body that will internationally compete with the ICC. He had networked once Sharad Pawar to finger N Srinivasan. Now the news is that the latter is the go-between to link Tamil Nadu CM Jaya and Modi’s foes within the NDA. Depending on which way the wind is blowing, he could make peace with Pawar too. Pawar has almost lost the control over India’s private cricket club – harrgh-harrgh – that is what Board for Control of Cricket in India [BCCI] once told the Supreme Court – and has little chances of drawing any water in drought stricken Maha state unless his nephew Ajit irrigates them with his liquid defecation. Pawar senior too needs his funds stashed in tax havens to generate more money. NDA has suddenly gone sssshhhh on Pawar’s Nationalist Congress Party. Perhaps, the old gang is regrouping once again and is carpet bombing the IPL by financing the bad publicity generation through various sections of the media. Maybe a new front against Modi – the PM that is – is developing. Meanwhile, BCCI is cocking a snook at the Supreme Court. The myopic, foolish loser judges of India’s highest court are taking an undue interest in developing cricket for the benefit of mango people in the backwater states of this banana republic without understanding how the system works and for whom.
Sonia: [takes another sip of her black coffee, wrinkles her nose in disgust and clears her throat] Ahem! You seem to be up to date with these trivial developments, Bob. Why don’t you teach a little bit of politics to young Rahul here? It would help him improve his image. The linkages of offshore accounts were really interesting.
Rahul: Talking of offshore accounts, the thoughts of Pakistani politicians spring to my mind. Modi’s new pal Nawaz Sharif has one and has promised to create a Joint Investigation Team [JIT] – like the one that visited Pathankot the other day – to probe the ‘libellous’ offshore stash allegations that concerns a helluva lot of his Paki decision maker relatives and cronies. Benazir had one too – which obviously is being operated by Asif Ali Zardari – another discredited Paki politician being chosen to be ignored by the first world, despite warrants pending against him in Pakistan and a few nations. Zardari began teaching politics to his brothers in law – Murtaza and Shahnawaz and everyone knows what happened to them and finally to Benazir herself! I am not linking what Zardari did to the Bhutto clan and you, Bob. The words just popped out as the plaintive numbers flowed.
Vadra: Like most the plainly dumber south Indians do in that pagan Hindu shrine at Tirupati, I will offer to shave my head off and offer my hair instead of my head – in a symbolic way to Lord Jesus – when I visit the Vatican next time as my offering for ensuring the eternal well-being of this family. One of these days, I will teach that southie journo a lesson or two with my fists for writing nonsense about mom-in-law here in order to hail Modi.
Rahul: There is one puzzle I am not able to understand, mom. Why are – we the Congress, the left and the BJP on the same page in West Bengal over the Kolkata Syndicate thing? More importantly, why are you silent about this?
Sonia: It is simple, when you know how and why. I am keeping quiet about this because, I want to teach that upstart Mamata a lesson she will not forget in her lifetime. Our paid press agents keep harping on the Kolkata Syndicate to keep the bosses of blacklisted bank-defaulter companies IVRCL and Gammon India – entities that are faithful to us and the left – out of jail and away from prying eyes. Modi is daydreaming that he can trump Mamata to get BJP win more seats in the ensuing 5 states’ assembly elections. He is sadly mistaken. The left is allowing him to do it because they feel that their hands would be strengthened further in West Bengal by pegging that white sari clad flip-flop slipper sporting woman several notches down. Notwithstanding Modi’s punch-line filled harangue from poll stages, it will be extremely difficult for the BJP to make serious inroads in Bengal. So, the left and us – to whom the Congress party belongs will eventually gain in a big way. The left can never rule India because what the left calls ruling class will not allow it. Hence, whenever and wherever we form the next government,. at any given point in time – the left will be left with no option but to support us. So, Modi is indirectly helping us.
Rahul: Will we come out of the ensuing 5 state elections – with something to show as we did in Bihar, mom?
Sonia: We achieved close to zilch in Bihar and now that state has gone back to its jungle-book oops jungle raj status. I have one thing common with Modi in the ensuing elections. Both of us will gain precious little. Our paid news wallahs will ensure that the knives are out for Modi – saying his magic is waning. The likes of Arun Jaitley and my friend Sushma – for their own reasons – will render the already dug trenches around Modi – deeper. Arvind Kejriwal – who was meant to divide the anti BJP votes during the parliamentary elections came a cropper despite winning Delhi state. But, these days, the coughing CM of Delhi is being courted a little more by sections in the West that do not trust Modi. Sooner or later, all of us anti Modi people will have to form a grand alliance. Kejriwal must have second guessed this scheme, but I am good at second guessing him. Notwithstanding any of the future plans, ultimately, the grand alliance against Modi will have to be led either by us or Aam Aadmi Party. But then, like Bob said earlier, the Indians Aadmis are Aams – mangoes. This banana republic is destined to be ruled either by us or through our proxies. Like I did in the 90’s with Chandrasekhar, Deve Gowda and IK Gujral, I will lead Kejriwal up the garden path, pull the plug and leave him in incessant hiccups till he falls unconscious. India belongs to the Congress and the Congress belongs to us!
Vadra gets an SMS, stares at his mobile and gets up.
Vadra: Need to discuss that accursed DLF case with the lawyers, mom-in-law. That KP Singh fellow with his Panama stash hidden under his Mexican sombrero hat has to be taught a lesson. I am being told he is trying to do a deal with the BJP and/or Swamy right now!
Out of earshot, he puts his earphones on. A voice informs him that a call is being patched through from abroad through 6 cut outs. The caller begins the conversation by saying, ‘As-salaam-aleikkum, Vadra Sahab. Like you, this son-in-law in Pakistan with better brains than the out-of-power-big-party-elite did not have a good education either.’
Elsewhere, an aide hands over a headphone to Sonia wordlessly. She begins to hear the conversation.
Similarly, in an undisclosed location, someone owning an eavesdropping private army belonging to a top BJP supporter hears it as well.
All the three of them hear the conversation – centring round a future coup in the Congress and the BJP – citing plans presented by Mani Shankar Aiyer. All of them, however, come a decision not to sting Vadra.
In different languages and accents all three parties agree to wait for the appropriate time to destabilise the Modi regime.
Rahul gets up and leaves hissing under his breath: Like DMK’s Stalin, I will be the eternal number two, and/or will be upstaged by my sister. Will Priyanka too be upstaged by a future bluebeard hubby? Frustration is my fate in deed, indeed.
Hey bad guys and gals of India! You getting more fame! The evidence today!
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